My son was hot today and that's what it
finally took to shake me awake today.
The last two weeks have been very
difficult – both for me and the boys. Although I thought our
weeklong break at Thanksgiving would have given us enough of a break
for us to start our third 6-week schedule, we have barely finished a
week's worth of work after eight school days. Of course, it didn't
help that we had two snow days this week (I know, I know, a
homeschooler doesn't really HAVE snow days, but..oh, well, we needed
them :), but those actually helped.
Our most serious school work
dysfunction started the week before Thanksgiving and I figured it was
excitement over the holiday. We took Thanksgiving week off and
entertained, visited and traveled to see family in a fun week. We
returned from our last family visit from out of state late Sunday
night on December 1st...and all forward progress stopped at that
point, I'm afraid. Because I hadn't taken time to really figure out
our lesson plan for the last month of the year, we didn't have a real
game plan and I'm afraid it showed. It really set me up for a rough
time, but no matter what I did, I couldn't figure out what to do
next. I felt panicked and paralyzed and had no idea why. I was
increasely aware that we were falling behind in art, religion and
health.
We limped along for the week, doing our
daily spelling, reading, basic science and history and some math.
Danny is thoroughly stuck on his triple digit multiplication, so I
spent extra time just walking him through all his exercises and
abbreviating all his work and quizzes, but it is still trying on his
spirit. He “got” some parts a little on Wednesday when I tried a
new review approach and we had a brief celebration, but he still
couldn't complete the unit quiz that followed, so I started
foundering at that point. Then Wednesday afternoon our PE teacher at
the Y was a no-show due to a scheduling snafu, so the boys lost some
decompression time, which didn't help either.
Thursday was interesting at band
practice. Our lovely Encore Academy instructor is extraordinarily
patient and funny with the kids but after Danny's 5th or
6th question about when the class would finally end, she
jokingly said that the band wasn't finished but if he was done, he
could pack up and leave. Which he immediately did. She was
totally gobsmacked and couldn't believe he did it (she had no idea he
was on the autism spectrum and takes everything literally)! But Danny
did what was perfectly logical and what she offered, so I understood
what had happened. After class, I explained it to him and what to do
next time (when he needs a break, just asked to be excused to the
restroom until he is ready to rejoin us) and explained it to Mindy in
an email later. Nothing major, but I felt like a stress sandwich that
was getting more and more layers and it was getting more than I could
handle.
This past weekend gave me my first
breathing room in weeks and Monday and Tuesday were our first
official “snow days”, which was a true blessing. We used the
weekend to finish putting up the tree and getting some work done on
the front yard so we can eventually put up Christmas lights
outside...maybe. After a week of being home, I FINALLY got the
suitcases unpacked and caught up on MOST of the laundry (this just
reminded that I need to get Ben's clothes in the wash if I want him
to have ANY clean pants tomorrow...) and the dishes done. Sort of. By
Monday we had some semblance of order again and I thanked God all day
Monday for this excuse to put school aside for another day and pray
for inspiration – along with running errands and going for a huge
grocery store run.
Tuesday gave us a second snow “storm”
and a true snow day. This was the first time I actually felt like I
could breathe. My brain had sorted out a little but the anxiety/panic
of not knowing what to do for school was still bubbling under the
surface. It's not that I don't have the curriculum – I do! It's
more – something about missing something, not doing enough, not
teaching the boys what they will really need. When Danny gets totally
log-jammed in his brain (usually about math), I go into this panic
mode because I know the school system definitely didn't help him when
that happened and if I can't, then where do I go and what do I do?! I
don't trust counselors or psychologists anymore (this is a long story
involving another child and trust me – you wouldn't go back
either), so unless I schlep him up to Kennedy Krieger every time I
need help, I'm on my own here. Sometimes the weight of the
responsibility for all four of my wonderful, unique and amazing
children is too much to bear. Not that I don't want to...I sometimes
don't believe I am able.
But God always finds a way. You know
the old saying that if you are really strong you bend, not break?
Well, I am blessed that God always seems to show me a way to bend
when I think I will finally break.
Today, we had an “okay” day at
school. Danny was still struggling to concentrate at all and Benjamin
was being a goofball at a record rate. Both of them kept our progress
all morning to a snail's pace and although I tried to be goodnatured
about it for the first hour or so, by the second hour I had really
lost patience. We did manage to finish our daily spelling, a Nativity
bible lesson from the gospels along with a worksheet, the second
chapter of Caddie Woodlawn (Yea! Finally a book I know and loved as a
child!) and a really good instrument practice. We trotted over to the
YMCA for our PE class and got there on time. Check. I took my brief
break to run our Angel Tree gifts over to the church and got that
checked off my list, along with connecting with my Avon customers
from church. Check. When I got back, I was ready to pick up the boys
and finish the 3 or 4 final subjects for the day before I picked up
my granddaughter after school, made dinner and took the boys to
church choir.
And then I bent. Danny came out of the
PE gym with his winter coat on over his sweating body. He had the
hood up and almost covering his face and I knew something had
changed. He had said numerous times all day that he was just having a
terrible day. I knew that it mostly stemmed from the internet being
out and he couldn't listen to his favorite songs streamed on his
tablet, but I didn't realize it had gotten so bad. I just had to stop
trying to push all of us forward with our schedule and stop to listen
to his pain. Only part of his face was peaking out and he either had
sweat or tears on his cheeks when I asked him why he wanted to be
hot. He said that “it was the only thing that makes me feel better
because the day was so bad”. I'm not exactly sure what words he
used, but I knew that what his heart was trying to tell me was that
he wanted to make his outside – his body – feel as bad as his
inside – his spirit – felt. And that was it for me. All the anger
flew out of me and all the love and care came racing in.
From that point on, I threw out the
schedule and started ministering to my children's hearts again. And
immediately my panic and anxiety totally lifted. We went to our
favorite snack shop and we picked out our favorite food, which I
usually ration out. But not today. I was blessed again when my
granddaughter's other grandmother spontaneously offered to pick her
up from school and that was off my plate. Then we went home and
watched a BBC video (since the internet still isn't working – wah
wah wah) and relaxed. I cancelled the rest of our classes and also
decided to take church choir off our schedule for the night, too. I
know we will fall behind on our schedule this session. I know I may
need to drop back and punt next year, but right now I don't care. I
started homeschool to take care of my sons' needs, education AND
hearts and that's what I need to do. And by nurturing them, I nurture
me, I nurture US.
I get it now. I'm learning. That must
be what homeschool is all about....:)
The best part of our homeschool work this week :)
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